Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

I might give this a try 😏

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.