wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
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Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs