wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
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Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
That 👊
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?