Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

Finally, an explanation.

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense

FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

why would tinder want me to say this

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

Breaking news:

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.