Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
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Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
WWE is French for “yes”
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away