Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

ㅤ

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.