Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
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[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.