Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.

In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion