Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
You Might Also Like
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
My dating profile:
hardest line in real life
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)