Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

#NeverForget

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL