WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
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*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over