WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
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Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
This guy gets it.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*