Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
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It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.