Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

How old people make use of canes:

10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*