Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

“Whistle while you work”

~The boogers in my nose

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

Hello Twits.

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while