Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

Welcome to the stomach

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

The absolute effort that went into this omg

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake