WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
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Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
logging onto twitter…
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Sunday
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!