Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*