Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
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[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
The “research” scene in every horror movie
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters