Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
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When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.