Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
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“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Okay me first
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*