Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?