Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”![]()
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Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
My favorite farside!!
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Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Do not steal food from the science building!
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this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
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My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
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[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…