Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”![]()
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My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”