Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

asked my bf how work was today

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together

When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.