Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
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Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
car not found
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.