Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
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I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
😂🖐️
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole