Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever