My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
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All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Jupiter
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.