Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
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coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
This was my dad’s browser history.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂