Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
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you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Just how popey was the pope today?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
this is funnier than any friends episode
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.