Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
You Might Also Like
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
learning about math 🧐 📝
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.