WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
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Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
San Francisco has too many rules