Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

¯_(ツ)_/¯

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.