Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

inside you are two wolves

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.