Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

Expect the unexporcupine.

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”

Me: Oh problem, definitely

“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”

Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

(credit Morgz, account missing)

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

Ah..makes sense now

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.