Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do