Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.