Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

selfie game

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

i wish all

whales

a very

big

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy