Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
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Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
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1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
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[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
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Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
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[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have