Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

Don’t make me out nice you.

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.

*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

Cake!!

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on