Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
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Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Got ya covered
