wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
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Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don鈥檛 need any I鈥檓 just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
My son said his friend鈥檚 parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I鈥檓 not angry about his C- in math anymore.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
馃ぃcould you imagine
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
When I鈥檓 guilted into going to a dinner party I didn鈥檛 want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that鈥檒l be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.