wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
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There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”