Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
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I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.