Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
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just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
my name if I was in the mob
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Shouldn’t autocorrect be called autoassume?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”