Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

based al yankovic

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.