Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
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[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
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catch me on valentine’s day like
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