Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
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Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
groan^2
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We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
scrabbled eggs
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Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
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If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
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[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!