Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you corporation very cool

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday