Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
You Might Also Like
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
