Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

“That sucked.”

-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

[saturday, 5am]

no one:

no one at all:

delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.