Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?