Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life