Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

Happy thanksgiving

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”