Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
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I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best