Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to