Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.