Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.