Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
You Might Also Like
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.