Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
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If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
same but as an audience member
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach