Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
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*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
you gotta be faster
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem