Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
