Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
