Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
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I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Is….Is this an option?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house