Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
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Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*