Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
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*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”