Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
You Might Also Like
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…