Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
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I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
oh shit
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.