Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
You Might Also Like
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
This is I, Robot all over again
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”