Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Imma just leave this here…………
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.