Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.