Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
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I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Body by cheese-puffs.
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors