Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
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We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??