Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back