Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.