WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
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Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.