Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!