Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

He-man has a Masters degree

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim