wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
You Might Also Like
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
Not today
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
🤣🤣🤣
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I basically called this earlier today
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh