Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

March 16

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Traveler’s camo

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.