Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”

1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.