wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix![]()
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I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
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if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
stop
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What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.