wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
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them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
favorite tropes as memes
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”