wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
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4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
True.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.