Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?

No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?