Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
British websites use biscuits.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Bloody internet 😳
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!