Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.

Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?

No mate, a landline 🙄

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

The Sun’s probably Asian.

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.