Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

When you can’t find your friend Neil

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.